Why do we give in to emotional eating and how to stop?

It used to be that every time I felt bored or overwhelmed by how much I had to do, my brain believed that it was a good idea to distract ourselves by embarking into the “epic journey towards the kitchen”, where Lady Chocolate – the best friend in situations that fall under the umbrella of “I’m in no mood to do/feel this now” – awaits victoriously.

Does it ever happen to you that you feel pushed as if by remote control, in the middle of the day, towards cookies, sweets, saltines, or other small tasty snacks? Perhaps because you are working on something that feels never-ending, or perhaps because you had an argument with someone you care about… perhaps you are feeling something you don’t like and, instead of sitting with that emotion, it’s easier to go eat.

In other words… we eat our own emotions. Or, as we psychotherapists say, we dissociate.

The story goes like this:
Step 1: Something happens in real life that makes me feel an unpleasant sensation and an unpleasant emotion.
Step 2: Suddenly I feel hungry for/I crave __________ (insert your favorite comfort food here).
Step 3: I feel that if I don’t eat __________ I will suffer terribly.
Step 4: I eat that something.
Step 5: I feel a lot of guilt and shame.
Step 6: More guilt and shame.
Step 7: I promise myself that starting tomorrow I will stop eating __________.
Step 8: Again something happens and again I eat.

For me, this cycle was a torment and it took a long time to understand how exactly to manage and self-regulate my sensations and emotions so that I will no longer behave like a zombie lost in an eating trance.
Believe me, I’ve tried everything, until I’ve reached the conclusion that it’s best to… just feel them.

Our troubles with managing emotions come from… well, you know I’ll say “childhood”. When we are very young, part of our parents’ job is to contain and mirror our emotions. In an ideal scenario, it would look like this: You cry, feeling very sad and upset, and your parent, instead of saying things such as “I’ll give you something to cry about” or “Go to your room” or “Big boys/girls don’t cry”, looks at you compassionately, hugs you, and says “I can see that you are sad and I’m here for you.”

In this way, you learn that “negative” emotions such as sadness, pain or anger can be managed and, as long as you have your parents’ emotional support and presence, those emotions will pass and you will once again feel good emotionally.

But what happens when this support is not available for us in childhood? As adults, we won’t know what to do with such states. And, instead of experiencing them and trusting that they will pass without us noticing, we become scared of them and choose to eat (or smoke, take drugs, drink alcohol etc.) so that we won’t feel them anymore.

From a chemical perspective, an emotion lasts for 90 seconds. This means that if we increase our ability and availability to stay in touch with the emotion and experience it, over time, our brain will be able to give up the need to eat instead of feeling.
We are no longer 5 years old and I promise you that emotions, no matter how painful and how many, will not leave us in pieces.

So, next time when you feel like eating something and it’s not a physiologic need, ask yourself: “What is it that I feel right now?” Give yourself time to experience that emotion, being gentle with yourself. You can talk to yourself, saying things like “It’s ok… I feel sadness right now. It’s alright, it will pass. I’m here for myself, I am supporting and listening to myself.”

Do this over and over again, until new neural connections are formed, and you will see how one day (after approximately 21 days, because it takes time to change a behavior) you will feel an emotion and you will know exactly how to go through it without having to dissociate with food.

And eventually, your epic journey towards the fridge can become your epic journey towards self-regulation!